Are you finding it difficult to develop relationships with colleagues? You make an innocent request or say something quite ordinary but there seems to be a hostile and resentful look in their eyes and you wonder why they’re so unfriendly? You’re left feeling as if you don’t quite fit in and you don’t know what the heck’s going on?
If you have experienced or are experiencing any of the above .. you’re probably not going to like me saying this but it’s possible that it could be you not them…ouch!
It may be that the way you phrase things and the tone you use are alienating you rather than endearing you to other people.
But ” I was only trying to do my job!” you cry.
Well, perhaps the language you use sounds too formal so people feel that you are being officious and bossy. If you aren’t the boss, or even if you are, they aren’t going to respond well. It may be that the tone of your request is inadvertently conveying a mood that you do not intend and that will have an adverse effect on your listener.
Language choices, style and tone all combine subtly to give a message that may lead to a different effect from what we intended causing a glitch in our working relationships.
We also have to consider our status relative to the other person – are we equals, the boss or the subordinate in the relationship? A boss is entitled to give orders, an equal or a subordinate is not.
As an example, I recently received an email from a prospective client who was requesting a service from me. She wanted me to do something as a favour to her. She said to me ” Please remember to check your email” and although I knew she hadn’t mean to be impolite , my immediate thought was ” Don’t tell me what to do!”
Of course, I only thought this and didn’t say anything! It’s embarrassing to correct someone, isn’t it?
Assuming agreement is another mistake.
On another occasion, a client wanted to ask for an appointment to be rescheduled at the last minute – this was rather inconvenient for me but instead of using a polite request form to ask if this was OK, she made the suggestion – ” Let’s change to tomorrow”. Again she didn’t mean to be rude but her language choice made me feel slightly annoyed.
In a previous job, I had a Korean boss ( apologies to any Koreans who might read this!). She once asked me to correct a very small detail on a fairly unimportant notice on the staff noticeboard (the mistake had not been made by me, I should add). In a very flat tone, she said ” Please update that notice.” If she had said ‘ Could you just update that notice, please?” in a light tone, I would have done it happily, but she made me feel like a naughty child who had just been told off.
However, saying please and thank you is not enough by itself. If we want someone whom we don’t know well to do something for us, we have to use polite request forms as well, if we want to maintain their goodwill.
So how do you make a request sound polite and not like an order?
Find out more in the video below!
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